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Eating Disorder; Survivor Series, Ep 2 With Nikita Kotecha

To Eat or Not to Eat

How many of us have had this debate? I have had this time and again. For me, this monologue never seems to end. I do not remember the last time that I didn’t have this argument with myself. Is this healthy? Of course not. No one should have to go through this debate ever. Building a healthy relationship with food isn’t and shouldn’t be about allowed foods and taboo foods unless you have an allergy, then you’re just playing stupid. To make matters worse, everyone on the internet seems to be a nutritionist, suddenly weighing their carbs and proteins. These kids couldn’t pass their 10th exams but are here claiming to be the Einstein of abs.

Well at one point, so was I. I won’t lie to you, there was a point, I weighed my food as though I was counting my blessing. Weighed each morsel of atta hoping I had another gram to spare. Each grain of rice was appreciated and don’t get me started on the spoons of oil. Was I happy living like this? I made myself believe I was. I spent thousands of rupees on nutrition bars and ‘super-foods’. And I was so proud of myself. Look at that dedication! I mean if I had that much dedication towards my education, I could’ve probably been getting a scholarship to the world’s greatest universities, or at least would’ve been able to pass math without cheating.
My meals consisted of the worst tasting foods. I used to use cabbage as chapatti, imagination as butter and water as fillers to kill my hunger. Disgusting right? But I made it look like I am having a gala time. I made it look easy so that I could one day convince myself that it was. That is until my body started giving up.

I stopped getting my period, my nails started peeling off, I was going bald, and I always constipated. I started fainting and my bones became weak. All this for what? For abs? For whom? Myself? Let us analyse this, shall we? I tortured my body, made myself fall sick, was willing to faint at any given time while my nails were peeling to get abs that are of 0 use, all for myself? Does that make any sense? OF COURSE NOT. I did it to be accepted but made myself think that it was for my happiness. The idea of happiness gained from the perfect body is one of the biggest LIES of the diet culture. Follow this diet you will be happy, drop those KGs and look at how your life changes! Absolute garbage. That lie just tastes sweet but is the worst thing I fed myself.

A friend once told me, if you are so worried about putting on weight because of the way others think about you, then you’re driving yourself mad over people who only care about a variable about you and not you. That was one of the hardest-hitting truths. If my idea of happiness and security came from something that is going to change over time, regardless of how much effort I put into it, is this torture worth it? From an obvious point of view, it is not. But things aren’t just as black, white and simple as this. I can only tell you from my experience that your body shouldn’t matter, but the believing part is up to you. That’s the tough part. Every second person can have a PHD in pep talks but at the end of the day, your mind has to do the dirty work. This is something I am struggling with, even at this very moment as I type this article. The biggest advice I can give is if you are struggling with the very same problem as this, seek help. There are experts out there that can help you with this. Talk to a professional. It’s better than investing in a diet fad that will probably make your body want to slap you in the face.

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